Oscar Fashion Hits + Misses

By on March 18, 2013

By: Vanessa HasidUntitled

I get more emotionally involved than most people, when watching movies. For me, a film is not a just way to pass a couple of hours, but it is an experience.  And so I really get into the Oscars. It is my favourite of the award show season, and yes, in between commercials, I fantasize about what I would say and who I would thank in my very own Oscar speech. I adore the glitz and glamour of it all. I love the velvety red carpet, the cutting-edge fashion, and the smell of richness in the air. Which stars sparkled and which ones darkled? Follow me inside for my best & worst fashion picks of Oscar 2013…

Misses


jennWhat makes Jen worthy of attending these events? When has she ever contributed anything worthwhile to the world of cinema? For some reason she keeps getting invited to these things, and I have no clue why. Formerly boning 3-time nominee Brad Pitt does not make you Oscar material by proxy. If my recent filmography consisted of gems (note the sarcasm) such as Wanderlust and Just Go With It, I wouldn’t walk so proudly amongst some of the finest actors in the industry. Her choice on this red carpet is equally dull and boring. It is a gorgeous Valentino red, but it lacks excitement. The pop of colour is definitely a step in the right direction, but the design of the dress is too basic and teen queen for the Oscars. The bandeau top adds no shape to her bosom, and the A-line bottom is much too heavy for her petite frame. Her body is so lost in dress; she looks like she’s swimming in the Red Sea. And it makes her look frumpy. Her usual straight, flat hair makes the outfit look even more messy and unkempt. Jen always looks the same and could not be more predictable. Her fashion sense is about as exciting as her movies – in other words, not very. Well, at least she’s consistent!
melissaOk, I love Melissa and think she is hilarious. She also has a really pretty face. But this David Meister dress, if you can even call it that, does her no favours. It looks like she fell onto a sheet and rolled around in it. I get that your choices may be slightly limited when you are on the hefty side, but when your body is so round, sometimes covering it up too much can make you look even bigger. Shortened sleeves showing just a hint of skin would have looked very tasteful, and a nice patch of jewels right on the waist instead would have broken up the dress so Melissa’s body wouldn’t look like one big blob. Being the big girl on the red carpet is no excuse for this potato sack outfit. Or that awful Elvira hair.
chris tuckerJust because it takes the men a lot less time to pick an outfit for the night, doesn’t mean they should be exempt from our critiques, right?! The gents can look fab too, or not… as in Chris’ case.  First of all Chris, what is with that stance? Pull yourself together, brother! You’re at the Oscars, act like it! Attitude plays a big part in successfully pulling off an outfit. The Tom Ford navy blue tux is a nice choice, the shoes look great, but what is with the open jacket? Way too casual and sloppy for the red carpet. And that bowtie is too large and droopy! Chris was one of my favourite comedic actors back in the day until he took a long sabbatical because he wasn’t being offered meaty enough roles. He found what he was looking for with a brilliant comeback in Silver Linings Playbook and I am so happy he has returned, but he ain’t gettin’ off the hook with this untidy look! Make me laugh with your comedy Chris, not your (questionable) fashion sense!
jackiI’m still trying to figure out how on earth Jacki Weaver was nominated for Silver Linings Playbook when she spends most of the film walking around with her face scrunched up, looking like she is in pain. Maybe she had that look on her face because she was having a premonition that she was going to wear this disaster on the red carpet. Jacki looks absolutely amazing for a 65-year-old but this Rani Zakhem frock is so unflattering on her figure, I can’t believe anyone let her walk out of the house like that. This ruby red is a beautiful colour but the disproportionate top and bottom material renders this already 4″9 woman into a stump! The top part of the dress is okay. It kind of looks like a figure skating leotard, but she can get away with it. But why the material switches from just under the breast, I cannot understand. Maybe she wanted to cover up her midsection, but this takes the granny panty to a whole new level. The latter part makes her look like a midget mermaid. Not good.


nicole2Nicole went for the glitz in this L’Wren Scott dress, and while I don’t flat out hate it, something about it just doesn’t sit well with me. Again we see the cheesy swirls at the base, but there are tons more than Catherine’s dress, which makes them hard to ignore here. Also, I don’t find the stark contrast between the black and gold very pleasing to the eye. The two colours mixed with the watery look of the dress, make Nicole look like a wet seal.  There is just so much going on, it hurts my eyes, and it kind of feels like I’m on a bad acid trip. Her chest look very ample and she has a fantastically lean figure, but this outfit is much too flashy. Her pale skin doesn’t help the situation. And neither does that boyish hair or creepy look she always gives the camera. Thank the Lord for Keith Urban who instantly saves the day by being the best arm candy any leading lady can ask for.
helenaWe’ve already come to expect disorder and chaos when Helena’s in town, but I always have that tiny glimmer of hope that maybe one day she’ll stop trying to outdo herself with increasingly hideous costumes. It’s not cool or rebellious anymore, it just looks ridiculous. I adore Helena as an actress, but she can at least pretend to look like she put some effort into looking presentable – if only to prove that she’s not arriving as drunk as she looks. The problem is she actually thinks she looks good, so delusion plays a large part in her stepping out of the house like this. Or maybe this is genuinely her style. At least she’s wearing Vivienne Westwood who is widely known for her punk rock messy fashion, which may at least be some indication that Helena is not as clueless as she appears. Either way, she looks awful, and no one should look homeless at the Oscars.
zoeThe impeccable Zoe Saldana often hits it out of the ballpark, but this getup is no home run. She is often a successful risk-taker when it comes to her fashion choices, so it kind of frustrates me that she couldn’t spot the obvious flaws with this outfit. The top half of this Alexis Mabille Couture piece is stunning. The leaves and flowers are gorgeous details that add volume and excitement to the bust area. That delicate white colour with just the tiniest hint of lavender looks heavenly against her caramel skin and soft loose locks. But sadly the further you go down, the worse it gets. That belt totally needs to go. A sash may have worked, but the square buckle with the very noticeable grommets makes this dress feel too casual for Oscar night. And that slit leading to the grayscale tiers ruins the entire dress for me. Worse than that though is the fact that you can see her feet! If the tiers fell to the floor it may have been passable but the open bottom makes it all look too busy down there, so the appearance of feet is just awkward. It also makes the dress look more beachy than fancy, and those sandals with those kitschy bows look like a pair I owned back ’99. I appreciate the original effort Zoe, but you’re so much better than this!
helenHunt shows her c*nt and earns herself a nomination this year for playing a mostly naked sex surrogate in The Sessions. But let me tell you honey, if she’s going to wear something like that, she’s better off ditching the dress and waving that hairy muff around! Helen strangely decided to go with a custom-made H&M dress, but what is neat is that it’s part of their new Conscious collection, made from sustainable and recycled materials. How sweet and eco-friendly of Helen! Unfortunately it looks like recycled materials have an adverse reaction to something called an iron because the dress was clearly wrinkled from top to bottom! And I’m pretty sure I once bought a necklace like that at H&M for $10…


kristenOy oy oy, who invited this hot mess to the party?! Can Kristen Stewart even be called a proper actress? I’m sorry; I didn’t realize that being your boring self in every single film was considered acting. Kristen arrived on crutches and was clearly on a hell of a lot of meds because when she presented onstage that night, she was making weird sexual faces at some freaked out person in the front row and was having a more difficult time than usual formulating complete sentences. Ok, I’ll give the girl a break. This Reem Acra dress isn’t the most awful thing I have ever seen. It’s just that it’s rendered instantly skanky because of its wearer. Too harsh? Last time I checked, having an affair with a married man 20 years your senior, is pretty decent grounds for being called a skank.  Always looking dirty doesn’t help matters either. Oh, and apparently she had an “unexplained injury”. Mhmm.
amandaMamma mia! I usually love Alexander McQueen but am not feeling this dress at all. I like the aristocratic design, but I find the colour makes her look washed out and pale. She looks like some character stuck in a a 19th century film and it just doesn’t work for me. Maybe she wanted to keep the Les Misérables theme alive, but it’s just not working. I love the dusty lilac colour but I am not too fond of the leaves all over the dress, and the mini bouffant just doesn’t look very attractive. It makes her look like Mozart. I don’t find this look enhances her beauty in any way. In fact, I think it detracts from it. I admire the fact that she went for an avant-garde look, but there are just so many other McQueen pieces that would have flattered her so much more. I don’t think it’s entirely the dress I don’t like; I just don’t like the dress on her.

Anne+Hathaway+2013+Oscars+Prada+1You would think if Anne Hathaway learned one thing from her accidental crotch leak at the Les Misérables premiere in NYC a couple of months ago, it would be to not draw attention to her privates. I guess her idea of redeeming herself is by wearing a nauseating ballerina-pink dress showing off her bra-less titty display and horrible fashion sense. Anne says she chose this Prada nightgown at the last minute, and it shows. She lost 25 pounds to play Fantine in Les Mis, and apparently someone forgot to give her the memo that she can come off the lettuce diet. Anne looks so disturbingly thin; she literally looks like a silk-wrapped toothpick. And come on, like she doesn’t know everyone’s going to be staring at the two blatant peaks poking out the front?! I’m sorry, but she’s asking for it. I know, I know, upon further inspection you can see that it is actually the cut of the material and not her nipples, but it is clearly meant to give the illusion of nipple! And don’t try and convince me that Anne was clueless to this fact. These celebs are offered the very best selection of dresses for the evening, and this is the one Anne chooses to win in? These celebs also have access to the best hair extensions in town; that short mannish hair doesn’t make her look any better. And that Tiffany necklace that from far looks like a kindergartner put some sparklers on a string, is a really corny addition. I’m sorry but this dress just makes me feel sleazy and naked. Next time Anne, please don’t try and dazzle us with your…wits.

 

jenniferThis dress is appropriately extravagant for such an event, and white looks gorgeous on Jennifer, but that is where my appreciation for this Dior Haute Couture gown ends. Remember that traffic-stopping red number she wore to the Oscars when she was nominated for Winter’s Bone two years ago? It was fitted in all the right places, she tastefully showed a bit of cleavage, and she looked like a smokin’ hot young siren! It seems she went for a tamer look this time around, but I’m just not feeling it. Maybe if the puff started at the waist, she’d at least look like a Disney princess. But the ballooned bottom starting midway down her thighs just makes the shape of her body look odd, and it ends up being kind of unflattering. Her makeup is fresh and clean, but at only 22-years-old, that dress just ages her. Her voluptuous breasts are trapped in that shapeless top, and that necklace hanging down her back is so 10 years ago! Jen said on the red carpet that she was starving from not having eaten all day. It looks like she’s hoarding food under that dress. She would look so much younger and more elegant with a simple train. She ain’t gonna have that body forever, so flaunt it while you got it! She is way too fun for this dress, and it doesn’t seem to suit her whimsical personality. I’m finding it mighty hard to see any silver lining in her choice.

Hits


stacyGeorge Clooney’s current lady friend and former wrestling superstar Stacy Keibler, looked absolutely stunning in this studded Naeem Khan number which actually made it’s debut at New York fashion week just a couple of weeks before the Oscars. I love when the stars opt for a lesser-known designer, which often yields the most unique and interesting results! This daring yet modestly covered dress is a perfect fit for Stacy, who chose to smartly display her chiseled physique without showing too much. The fitted straight cut is even sexier than showing skin – it hugs her body beautifully and almost looks painted on! The draping of the design looks like liquid silver, and is so feminine and regal looking. The black cinched-in waist adds that perfect break in the dress, further elongating her slender 5″11 frame. Now if only all the gray in her dress didn’t match her boyfriend’s beard… get a hot young stud, Stacy! Don’t waste your time with a 51-year-old serial dater!
reeseThe electric blue hue is ultimately what makes this dress a winner. Reese looks so radiant and fresh in this Louis Vuitton creation. The breast cutouts are a really sexy detail, smartly enhancing her lady lumps. I love how the dress is a slightly looser fit, but still creates a nice shape, and then dips down into just the right amount of tail. She looks like a beautiful blue tuna, or a siren that should be sitting on a rock, reeling in men with her song. The black accents add that extra touch of class, and their strategic narrowing toward the waist could not be more fitting for a woman trying to fit into a luxurious gown just five months after giving birth. How incredible does this new mom look?! And how glamorous is that hair? Those large, lush, swept to one side curls look so smooth, and work perfectly with that dress. The entire look is so youthful yet so sophisticated at the same time. Now come on Reese, you need to make more movies instead of babies so we can see you at more of these events! You’re too pretty and talented to be a housewife.
octaviaLast year’s Best Supporting Actress winner Octavia Spencer knows how to stylishly dress her size, choosing this ethereal looking light peach ball gown by Japanese-born American designer Tadashi Shoji. The cut of this dress smartly conceals her naturally plump figure, and the tulle cloak does exactly what Octavia sets out to do – cover unwanted arm flab while still showing some skin and sexy shoulder. The beading on the bodice adds just the right amount of shimmer, leaving the real sparkle up to those dazzling Lorraine Schwartz gems. The silky bangs and classic updo help keep this look dreamy and soft. Octavia looks like a fairy princess, and is ultimate proof that big can be beautiful too.
halleIt took me awhile to warm up to this one before declaring it a bestie. I wasn’t sure what I thought of the Beetlejuice theme at first, but once I got over it, I grew to love it. Going for a pinstriped dress is a brave move, and only someone as funky as Halle can pull off this Atelier Versace without looking cheesy. Her signature, tousled shag is playful, just like the dress, which is in large part what makes it all work.  All these ladies wearing straight cuts know exactly what’s up – body-hugging is hot, people! There is nothing sultrier than a covered, fitted dress showing off a woman’s curvaceous silhouette, as Halle so effectively shows us. The pattern curves in all the right spots, which also keeps the dress from being too uniform and boring. The broad 80s shoulder is a really unique detail that adds a commanding military feel, and of course, the pièce de resistance is the plunging neckline leading to Halle’s infamous rack neatly nested behind five tiny bands of material. During the show when Halle not so subtly uttered the words “pussy galore” while introducing the Bond montage, no doubt that dress made men all over the world fantasize about Halle’s furry little friend (actually, it’s probably a hairless cat).


catherineAt first glance this dress might seem like a little much, but Catherine totally grabs it by the balls and owns it in such a fierce way, that I can’t help but fall victim to its power. I must admit, I’m not a huge fan of the big swirls on the tulle train, and it would look much less tacky if the gold gradually melded into the fabric. But when the top half of this Zuhair Murad dress is so solid, I can be forgiving. With rich dark waves, neutral makeup, and a gold-plated chest, Catherine looks nothing short of an Egyptian queen. All the sequins, and bringing some glitz to the red carpet is exactly what the Oscars are about! I applaud Catherine for daring to bring a little Middle Eastern spice to the red carpet. Those gorgeous multi-stone Lorraine Schwartz ear jewels match the dress brilliantly without overdoing it. When Catherine performed that Chicago number during the telecast, I was actually put off by how eerily thin and shapeless her legs had become. Thankfully she kept them heavily under wraps on the red carpet. This golden goddess almost makes me forgive her for lip-syncing her entire performance. Almost.
kerryWith a key role in Quentin’s Django Unchained, I hope the über talented Kerry Washington will gain more acting work in the near future. With selections like this exquisite Miu Miu gown, we are itching to see more of her at these events. She literally glitters in this gorgeous California coral with a beautifully detailed upper half. The jewel encrusted top adds just the right amount of detail to make the dress pop, without making it look gaudy or overdone. And just that dash of bronze sequins scattered around makes this outfit such a unique and beautiful combination of colours. Kerry’s minimal makeup and understated hair really allow for that dress to be the main attraction. I’ve never seen anything like it; it’s a total knockout! One of my absolute favourites of the night!
eddie redmayneHow dashing does Les Mis star Eddie Redmayne look?! He confidently owns that crisp Alexander McQueen tux with perfectly perked up bowtie. The pants are nice and fitted just the way they should be on a hot young thing like Eddie, and those velvet loafers are such a stylish addition. He is definitely bringing that sexy British flair and charm to red carpet and I am likin’ it! I will totally let this man sing me depressing songs about 19th century France whenever he wants.
jenn hudsonNow I don’t know if Jennifer Hudson actually shed all those pounds with Weight Watchers, but she has never looked more fabulous. This ferocious Kaufmanfranco leopard-print gown makes me want to roar with excitement! It is a total and utter hit. The shimmering deep blue material is just so mesmerizing and visually stimulating. The length could not be more perfect, and it helps Jennifer have a clean, lean appearance. With a gorgeous glow and that dramatic diva hair, she looks like a total dream girl.


amyAnother extravagant effort, but this Oscar de la Renta works. The always adorable Amy Adams is the perfect example of the Disney princess I speak of. See how much nicer it looks when the dress opens up at the waist? It flows better and leaves no potential weird body-shaping. The sweetheart neckline is young and flattering. The textured flared bottom looks soft and dreamy, like a feathery pillow you just want to plop your head onto. The ruffles create movement and give character to the dress, unlike Jennifer’s, and this dove gray colour is so original and graceful looking. Because there’s so much going on down below and that’s where the focus should stay, the simple cropped hair works perfectly here. Can you believe Amy is 16 years older than Jennifer Lawrence? They look about the same age! Accessorizing with a lovely simple pair of Mouawad diamond drops and bracelet, Amy totally enchants us with this look.
naomiNaomi is Tinseltown personified in what I believe to be the most ravishing look of the night. It is everything an Oscar dress should be. The cut is seductive yet graceful, and a classic glistening silver is the most superb fit for her. Naomi is an absolute showstopper in this Armani Privé stunner. The fact that it’s a textured, deep, gunmetal shade is what keeps it from being too cheesy and over the top. The slightly loose updo is sassy and cool, and adds a subtle foxiness to the entire ensemble. Naomi is an absolute vision of perfection, and though she didn’t take home the award she was nominated for, she should take comfort in the fact that she won over the entire red carpet.
jessicaJessica razzle dazzled in this retro-inspired custom Armani Privé jaw-dropper. It is difficult enough finding a dress that meshes well with ginger hair, so Jessica very carefully selected a warm champagne that interlaces beautifully with her skin tone.The material delicately traces each curve of her body and the crafty pattern helps enhance her bodacious shape. The sweetheart neckline is so incredibly flattering to the bust. The long, flowing mane keeps Jessica looking like a vintage vixen, and the prominent rich red lip is an essential component in successfully assembling this old-school look. There is no doubt that Jessica epitomizes the old Hollywood glamour she was going for. I’m pretty sure she could have killed Bin Laden just by showing up at his compound in this dress.
charlizeCharlize played it way safe going with virginal white Dior Haute Couture, but it’s insanely hard to find anything wrong with it. She looks completely angelic and pristine, and I adore the hard-shelled bodice partially adorned with tiny crystals. The V-cut keeps the look feminine and sexy which is essential when you’re going to sport short hair. The pixie cut suits Charlize so damn well because she has a beautiful face, period. Adorning both wrists with Harry Winston diamonds and leaving the neck bare is a brilliant move that elongates her neck and highlights her silky skin. Charlize would be a fashion icon and timeless beauty even if she showed up wearing a paper bag.

 

4 Comments

  1. Ari

    March 19, 2013 at 2:13 am

    Very nice and informative. I enjoyed the humor and the thought you put into each outfit. For a very non fashionista like myself, it was refreshing (Kristen Stuart shouldn’t count though, corpses can’t pick their own dresses).

  2. Tom

    March 19, 2013 at 3:07 am

    I heard about this from a friend on Facebook, this is very entertaining, funny and very well written! I very much enjoyed reading this, looking forward to your next post Vanessa!!

  3. Melanie Bokor

    March 19, 2013 at 11:42 am

    Wht a great article had me very entertained! bookmarked this site thanks your new follower :)

  4. Richard

    March 21, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Excellent article! I really enjoyed the oscars this year and this funny yet informative piece, I feel, captured the essence of the style on display!!

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